New Year's Eve 2009

It's New Year's Eve. Late this afternoon I stood up for another friend getting married. Kurt and Emily couldn't have asked for a more perfect setting for their wedding; Wing Beach just as the sun was setting. It was like God painted the sunset the most vibrant hues of orange, pink, and blue you can imagine just for them. Pictures barely capture how gorgeous the sunset was. And if the gorgeous sunset wasn't enough, the moon made its appearance by peeking over the cliff just as the sun was about to disappear completely. This wasn't just any moon tonight, it was a rare blue moon. It was magic.

From the beach we went to the reception at Saipan Community Church. The tables were adorned with local leaves and exotic flowers, with touches of seashells here and there and clear votive candles floating in sea-foam colored water that created a nice glow. Many complimented the decor. It was lovely. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have a very limited budget, a short time span, and friends with resources.

The final event of Kurt and Emily's wedding was a walk to the beach where small lighted votive candles were placed in holes in the sand in the form of a semi-circle. Kurt, Emily, and Pastor stood within the semi-circle, while the guests stood beyond it. Emily, Kurt, and Pastor held hands and Pastor said a prayer to dedicate their new lives together as husband and wife. Then they were off.

It was the wedding of my dreams. Simple, yet elegant, surrounded by friends, and covered in prayer. But it wasn't my wedding. I couldn't wait to get to my apartment to let the tears flow that I had been damming up inside me all week. Why must I always watch someone else have this moment in time? Once inside my door, the dam busted and a flood of tears came rolling down my face. I couldn't wait to get out of yet another bridesmaids dress. I attempted to unzip my dress, but I couldn't reach the zipper. No matter how many times I tried to get that dress unzipped, my fingers couldn't manage it. That's when Dam #2 busted and a new wave of tears came flooding down. Now my eyes were red and puffy and makeup streaks formed on my cheeks. Not only did I have to keep a smile on my face the whole afternoon and evening to "keep up appearances", now I had to endure the reality that there is no one in my life to help me unzip my dress. At that moment I have never felt more alone. Silly, I know, but it wasn't about the zipper. I had to get out of that dress. I splashed cool water over my face and tried to smile again. Went back outside hoping and praying to find someone who could help me unzip my dress. Brittany came to my rescue. I put the smile back on my face. I hoped she didn't notice the red, puffy eyes. I joked and pretended all was well. It wasn't. But at least I was free of that dress.

Now here I am sitting all alone at the computer on New Year's Eve, while Kurt and Emily are celebrating their love and others are celebrating a new year. Do I really want to write this blog? Who cares anyway? I do, I suppose. I can't keep crying, I know that. Sooner or later I have to stop. I don't want to head into the new year the way I am leaving the old one. Somehow I have to find inner strength and courage to let go and move on. But how? How does one not hurt over disappointment and unfulfilled desires?

The clock says midnight. I get up from the computer, walk out to my balcony and watch the fireworks going off all around me. Who do I say Happy New Year to? Will it be a happy 2010 for me? I have a bottle of Bartles and Jaymes. Not the most impressive drink to toast the new year to, but it was the only thing in the fridge. I open it, sit on my balcony and I don't stop the tears. Happy New Year out there!

A New Journey

During the first week of school a new student noticed a picture of me from a few years back and asked, "Miss Mac, is that you?" "Yes, Darian, it's me. Do you like my mawr mawr?" I asked. He didn't notice the mawr mawr. But he did notice something else. "You know Miss Mac, you have put on some weight since this picture." What could I say...."Get out of here kid!" "Go sit down and mind your own business." No, of course I can't say things like that. So, I just said, "Yes, Darian, it looks like I have.

This is the picture Darian was looking at.

He didn't even notice the mawr mawr!

He meant no harm of course, he was just making an observation and spoke it out loud. The truth is not always pretty, but it is right. He was right. I thought about his comment the rest of the afternoon and I came to the understanding that I had two choices: 1) I could feel horrible about what I look like and what others see, or 2) I could do something about it. I chose door #2.

My Door #2

Last week I began the first steps on a new journey. This journey will not take me off the island to some new exotic place, but rather this journey is one of finding wellness. Wellness to me is being healthy in body, mind, emotions, and spirit. I do believe these areas are all linked and depend upon one another for well being. It's seems logical to me to start with the body, and that's where this journey begins. This past Thursday I started cardiovascular and weight training at Aqua Resort Spa. It sounds pricey, but they had a four month promo going on and I thought the timing of the promo was Divine. The cost was just right. Four months is not enough time to reach my physical goals, but it is enough time to get me started and on my way.

Alvin, my personal trainer

Showing me how to properly lift

Getting active is not the only change I have to work on. I also have to work on changing my attitude about eating. This will be my biggest challenge, but again, God has put people in place who will help me through encouragement and keeping accountable. It is only the first week of my journey, but I am hopeful and I can see a vision of me looking slimmer and more importantly, feeling healthier by May 2010. That's nine months from now. It will be like the "birth" of a new woman.

I invite you along on this journey with me. I cannot do it alone. I need all the support and encouragement I can get. It's not about losing weight and looking good in a photo, it's about changing my lifestyle and learning to become healthy...body, mind, and soul. Come join me.

The First Week of School 2009-2010 School Year

Honestly the first day of school felt just like any other teaching day. It didn't feel like the first day of school, it felt more like an ordinary day and that I had been teaching them for a long time. But when I looked at their faces and nameplates I was reminded that this is a new group of students and a new experience for them. It is the first time they have been in 4th grade, and for a few it is the first time being at Saipan Community School.

I am pleased to say that in spite of my not feeling too well on Wednesday and Thursday, the first week of school went extremely well and I can tell that I have another wonderful group of students to work with. Altogether I have 19 students, but I am expecting one more by the end of next week. There are 14 (will be 15) boys and 5 girls. As has been in the past, the boys dominant in number and in talking! A phrase I think I will be saying a lot will be, "Nael, please stop talking so much." Cute kid, likes to talk.

On the first day of school my desk was pristine. By the end of the week it was a disaster. I swear I couldn't find it. I am really going to have to work on organization throughout the day, otherwise I will find myself in the classroom every weekend just trying to find my desk.

On Friday I instructed the students to make their first journal entry about their first week in 4th grade. I simply asked them to write about the things they learned this week and how they felt about the first week of school. I was pleased to read that many of them mentioned how much fun they had this week. Some even said they had fun with the homework. Can you imagine that?

Getting Ready

This past week I have been busy getting ready for another school year to begin. I can hardly believe it is that time again. The summer break has gone by so fast. Am I ready? Aside from a few little details such as labeling folders, filing papers away, and making sure the classroom is cleaned, I am as ready as I ever will be.

The first day of school is always the biggest challenge for me to anticipate and plan. I probably spend too much time or thought on getting the lesson plans done, but I consider the lessons one of the most important parts of my job. I would rather over plan than not be thorough enough. Another time consuming project I worked on this past week was creating a new classroom newsletter. I could have used the format from last year, but I rather like the challenge of being creative and trying something new. It took me nearly all morning just formatting the cells to fit the information I want to include in the newsletter, but I think it was well worth the time and effort. I'm sure I will tweak it a time or two before I am completely satisfied with it.

As of Friday, I have 19 students. A nice size class. I am getting more excited about meeting them and getting better acquainted as the year goes on. Last year I fell in love with my 4th grade students. They were a really good group of students to teach and I had a lot of fun with them. I hated to see them go, but I did my job and I had to promote them to 5th grade. Fortunately, 5th grade is right next door to my classroom, so I will still see my former students everyday.

I have been praying for some time now that God will show his favor upon me in the classroom for this 2009-2010 school year. Sandy and I even hope to have Pastor Abe pray a prayer of dedication in our classrooms. He did this for both of us under the cross in the chapel at the first of the year. It was very moving and I felt like God was giving me the courage and strength I needed to do my job.

My goal for this school year is to work on keeping a balance in my life. Last year I spent too many hours in the classroom and too many tutoring in my apartment. As much as I enjoy helping students, it was just too much and nearly consumed all my time. I had no personal life. So this year I hope to keep a healthy balance between helping my students and getting away from it once in a while. I'm not sure yet what activity I will get involved in, but I am considering getting a personal trainer to help me work on my other goal of losing some weight and gaining some muscle.

Another goal I have set for this year is to stay on top of grading. This is the one area of teaching I dislike the most. Grading is time consuming and I tend to avoid it. So, I am trying to think of creative and efficient ways to keep me motivated and pumped up about grading papers and staying on top of things like that.

Tomorrow is Saturday. I think I will take a long walk along the beach....before I head to the classroom

.

The Beach along Sugar Dock

The Last Few Days Before Another School Year Begins

I have been back on island for ten days now. In some ways it feels like I never even left. I am happy that I came back early, though. In the days before school begins I have kept busy giving my apartment a thorough cleaning. By that I mean taking everything out of the cupboards and closets and getting all the dust, cobwebs, and dead insects cleaned out. I even borrowed a ladder in order to take the overhead light covers off and clean them of dead bugs. Don't you just hate looking up at light fixtures and seeing shadows of dead things in them? Well I do. Now my sister, Becky will tell you that I am not one who particularly likes cleaning at that level, but she would be proud that I cleaned the light fixtures. Anyway the apartment is now very clean and organized. I should celebrate by having company over for dinner.

Working in the apartment isn't the only thing I have been busy doing. I have a project I am working on now. I am hoping to create a little flower garden on my balcony. Last May a kind lady gave me some flower seeds from her flower garden. Zinnias, marigolds, bachelor buttons,

and some other kind of seed that I can't remember just now. I stored them up for the summer and this past week I finally got around to planting them. I am hoping they will sprout and flower. I think it will make a lovely flower garden on the balcony. If things bloom as I hope, then later I would like to try to grow some fresh herbs. The hardest part is being patient while the growing process takes place.

Tomorrow teacher inservice week begins and the week after that students start school. Like I said I am glad that I returned to Saipan early if for any reason to avoid feeling rushed getting ready for school. That happened last year and I felt like I was always trying to catch up. This year I feel different, though. I am struggling with wanting to be back home in Indiana. I really miss my family and friends and especially my sister. I feel like I left my heart and my head back there. I know I will do my job and I will give 100% doing it, but I can't seem to get rid of this heaviness on my heart. Maybe my garden project will help.

My Seven Week Vacation

One of the perks of being in the teaching profession is having some extended time off during the summer. Usually by the end of May I am eager for school to be out and ready to head home. This year I was home for seven weeks.

So what did I do during those seven weeks? I relaxed. For me that meant working in the flower bed deadheading, transplanting, and trying to create a beautiful work of art through flowers. I can't draw or paint, but I can plant and organize a decent flower bed. The work is hot, sweaty, and dirty, but I love the feel of dirt in my hands and the joy of seeing a blank canvas take shape and form with color and textures. The bad part for me is I have to leave in mid July before I get a chance to see the flower garden at its peak. Pictures are okay and help me see what is developing, but nothing compares to a walk in the midst of it. I love cutting flowers and making simple bouquets to set on the table.

Besides nurturing flowers, I also nurtured my two nieces, Hannah and Olivia. While I was home my sister asked if I would "keep and eye on them". The three of us had the best of times. We glided down the water slide at Burdette Park at least a couple dozen times in a big inner tube, had a "Sister Sister" weekend, read books, attempted DDR (Hannah is good, but I suck at it), celebrated birthdays together, and snuggled. That's my favorite part.

The seven weeks went by fast, but I feel I was able to do all the things I wanted to do and see everyone I wanted to see, and shop at all the places I wanted to shop.

I needed this time to get away from Saipan for a while and be with family and friends from home. I needed to not think about school for a while too. It was nice not having to set the alarm clock and being able to sleep until I was ready to get up...which was usually around 8:00 a.m. It was nice hearing voices in the home. Even if they weren't talking to me, just knowing they were close by was comforting. Living so far away and alone, I miss those sounds.

What I will miss most is the evening times when my sister and I would sit around the kitchen table watching The Next Food Network Star on the cooking channel or reruns of Reba. This is the time when she and I could talk about important things or just have a hearty laugh. If I miss this special time together, I know she must too. I am the one who left. The chair next to her is now empty. I am back on Saipan. No more TV, no more hugs greeting me in the morning, and worse...an apartment void of voices I love to hear.

In a few weeks school will start up again and my life will get very busy. Until then, however I am still on vacation and have every intention of relaxing my body, mind, and soul.

Sister Sister Weekend

Last weekend Becky, Hannah, Olivia, and I had our first ever Sister Sister Weekend. Becky planned the whole weekend, I just went along. At first I wasn't too keen on heading down to Lake Barkley to "get away" as my sister put it. After all, coming home from Saipan was getting away for me. But I had to keep things in perspective and realize how important this weekend was for my sister.

We took a trip to Lake Barkley (about a two hour trip from home), making our first stop at Aunt Jearlen and Uncle Bill's place in Cadiz, Kentucky. Uncle Bill got his pontoon boat out just for this occasion and took us on a pleasant ride on the lake. We went as far as Barkley Lodge and then turned around and headed back to his place. At one point we stopped along a sandy bank to take a dip. Aunt Jearlen had a delicious meal of ham, potato salad, baked beans, and green bean salad waiting for us when we returned. She knew we would be hungry after our boat ride.

After saying our goodbyes to family we continued our Sister Sister weekend in Grand Rivers, Kentucky. Grand Rivers is a very sleepy little town located between Lake Barkley and Kentucky Lake. It is a great place to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life, but you wouldn't want to live there. Way too quiet for me. Most activities that go on there are connected to the lake....fishing, water skiing, boating, sailing. We found a quaint little boutique called So Kool, and it really was cool. Very charming. Many interesting and unique items are sold there that you wouldn't find anywhere else. I love Life Is Good products and I bought three Life Is Good items from there, a cool coffee thermos, a neat little book of upbeat quotes, and a cute tank. There are no fast food restaurants in this town and I think that is pretty cool too. On our first evening there we stopped by Greg's Dairy Shack for some ice-cream. Olivia couldn't eat the chocolate cone fast enough in the heat and she had it dripping all over her. The next day our parents came down to meet us at Patty's Restaurant. Patty's has the best food! Our family has been going to Patty's in Grand Rivers every year for Christmas since 1989. We love the food, the atmosphere, and most of all just being together as a family. The last few years, though we have changed the tradition from Christmas to going during the summer when I am home. I am grateful for their compromise.

After lunch at Patty's we headed back home to Indiana, satisfied with wonderful memories of our first Sister Sister weekend. Already we are planning for our 2nd Sister Sister weekend for next summer.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. I didn't do anything special, like go out on the town with friends, but instead enjoyed a quiet day at home and had a wonderful meal with family.

This birthday, though, I consider a turning point for me. For awhile now I've known in my heart that there are some changes that I need to make in my life and I thought my birthday would be a starting point to begin making those changes. The first change I need to work on is becoming more proactive in taking better care of my health and that means eating better and becoming more active. Now I know how hard it is to make changes, but now is the time to make a committment and stick with it....my health and well-being depend on it. I have set a goal of losing 20% of my current body weight by my next birthday.

The next important thing in my life that I want to work on is dating. I haven't done that in a long time and I am ready to get back in the dating scene again, but I have to confess I am not sure how to make this happen and I'm a little nervous about putting myself out there. I was hoping that I would just magically meet that special guy through a friend or just out of nowhere "bump" into him and "poof" magic. How foolish of me to wait for that to happen! The last thing I ever wanted to do was go to the online dating websites. The thought of trying to meet someone and develop a relationship through a computer was absurd to me. Even at the urging of friends and their testimonials about successess, I still avoided the thought of it. "That just isn't for me," I said. Well, I have had a change of heart. I still don't necessarily like the idea of trying to meet someone online, but waiting around for magic to happen is not working for me. I decided that if "magic" didn't happen by this birthday, then I would take that step and "put myself out there" on a website for meeting single men. So, at the eleventh hour of my birthday, and with no hope that magic would happen, I finally took that first step and created a profile of myself and posted it on a website for meeting single Christian men. I didn't make this decision lightly. I prayed often about it and I just have to trust God to lead me every step of the way. Now the journey begins.

This and That

Now that school is out I have a little more time to think about this blog thing.  I admit that I am not the most interesting blogger, heck I don't even make regular postings.  But I kind of like having it and I do try.   In my last posting it was 1:30 a.m. going on 2:00.  I couldn't sleep and I was troubled inside, so I wrote what was on my mind and in my heart.  The thoughts and feelings won't change right away, but in some strange way, I feel better for having wrote it.  

So what has been happening in Terry's world since Easter?  Well, take a look.  

Pep Rally May 20

Mr. Flenniken eats jello through a snorkel tube

Mr. Winkfield does 50 + 1 push-ups 

And Mr. Sawyer gets a pie in the face.

Field Day May 21

The RelayRace

Tug of War

Balloons for the Water Balloon Volleyball Game

And finally at the end of the games, we all eat Icekeggis

End of School Year Staff Party May 22, 2009

Debbie Flores, Debbie Winkfield, Tami Winkfield, and Bobby Winkfield 

perform Celebrate, Come On

When I reflect on the activities of the past several weeks, I feel so blessed to have a job I love, to work with the coolest, most talented people around, and to have a common thread of faith woven among us.  

Now that school is over I am looking forward to going back home to Indiana for some rest and time with family and friends from there.  

What Do I Do?

Do you ever feel like your life is consumed by your work?  That's how I feel some days about my job. I'm always busy doing something connected with school.  Don't get me wrong.  I love teaching 4th grade very much.   I love almost everything about it....planning lessons, preparing those lessons, teaching those lessons, and even grading.  Okay, I'm not too keen on the grading part, but everything else I really enjoy doing.  That's why I do it.  

However, there are times when I feel like school is all I do.  And some days I just want something else.  Something not associated with school or teaching.  Sometimes I just want to go out and have a nice evening with someone.  I want a man to notice me and say, "Um, I want to ask her out."  I want a little romance in my life.  The absence of it leaves me feeling, well, empty inside.  I guess that is why I get busy with school.  Keeping busy kind of helps me not think so much about how lonely I feel.  Kind of, but not really.  The empty feeling never really goes away, no matter how busy I let myself get.   Not only do I feel empty, but I also feel heartbroken.  When men don't notice you, you feel unattractive, undesirable, unwanted, worthless.

I know I am not worthless.  It's just a feeling, not a fact.  But I can't help feeling this way.   I cannot deny that God has provided in other ways.  I have a job that I love.  My students like me.  I have a wonderful family and great friends.   I don't take any of this for granted.  I am so grateful for everything.    It's just hard, that's all.  

A friend recently encouraged me to check out eHarmony as a possible avenue for meeting men. Of course I have heard about this and I am a little curious, I suppose.  But, I just don't want to meet someone through a computer.  I want it to be random, a chance meeting somewhere, and in person.  Am I too old fashioned?  

My birthday is coming up soon....June 14th.  I wish I would have a date for my birthday.  Wouldn't that be nice?   

.  

Easter in Saipan 2009

Today began very early...before the sun came up in fact.

It's Easter today and I went up to Capital Hill for the annual Easter Sunrise Service that Saipan Community Church puts on.

I don't know exactly when the tradition of going up to Capital Hill to have Sunrise Service began, but I know many people from different churches gather with SCC for this special occasion.


It was windy up on the hill and a bit chilly this morning and I was glad to have my blanket along. As I bundled up I couldn't help think that I am becoming a true islander now. The slightest drop in temperature or humidity I get cold.

Pastor Dickerman led the service, but he also invited at least five other pastor's from different congregations to participate throughout the program.





After the service everyone forms two lines and makes their way through the tables of food. This is where you can mingle and have fellowship together before leaving and heading to your own church service (that would be the 2nd service of today).

The day ended with my neighbor, Amanda, hosting an EGG-IT Brea-nner event at her apartment. Something like dying eggs at Easter, but not quite. A lot work, but fun!

It began with each guest poking a needle through the top and bottom of a raw egg. Then we blow on one end of the egg and try to push out the contents of the egg through the other hole. Not as easy as it seems. Try it! Once the contents of the egg are out, the creativity begins. But the egg is not wasted...oh no. While some guests are painting their eggs, others are put to work making the omelette's for everyone.


Amanda is very good at delegating and she wasted no time putting Dan to work as the main chef in making the omelette's. Others helped with homemade biscuits and gravy. The omelette's were very good, and as much as I had to admit it, they were better than mine.

It has been a wonderful Easter day. I am blessed to have wonderful family and friends, a job I love, and my faith.

Vanessa's egg. My egg. Egghead

Getting a Tattoo

Today I went to some tattoo place in Garapan to watch my friend, Amanda, get a tattoo. I was curious about how they did it, so I asked her if I could come and watch. It was interesting to see. First the tattoo artist draws the design in permanent marker where the tattoo will go. This allows the customer to see how the tattoo will appear before it is actually inked on.


When the customer is satisfied with how it looks, then the process of inking begins. Depending on where the tattoo is going, this process can be painless or painful. Amanda chose to have this tattoo placed on the inside of her left foot. Judging by how hard she was gripping her right toe as the tattoo artist was inking, I'd say this tattoo was painful. From my perspective,though, it looked flawless. I was fascinated.

Amanda tried to read a book to distract her, but I don't think she read too many pages.

After watching for about 30 minutes, I told Amanda good bye and good luck. I don't know if she wanted me to stay or leave, but I had seen enough to know that it was pretty cool....and I wanted one of my own!

But tattoos are permanent and I am not sure that I want something etched on my skin permanantly. Luckily for me I found a great alternative.

Outside the JoeTen store in Garapan, there is a small booth manned by a Chinese guy who will give you a "tattoo" for as low as $3.00. Curious, I walked over to his booth and asked him, "How long will this take? How much will it be? And, can you make it look real?" He said, "For this design I will charge you $5.00. It will take just three minutes, and Yes, I can make it look real." Alright then, let's do it.





This is my tattoo.






This is Amanda's tattoo. Isn't it beautiful?

An Afternoon in the Park

Sometimes something unexpected comes your way. Sometimes the unexpected is bad and sometimes it is rather nice. Like today for instance. I was taking a break from working in my classroom and was heading out for some lunch when Amanda said, "Bring your camera and come to the park next door. Mrs. Winkfield is making a video of some Junior High students playing their ukelele's. She wants different angles and perspectives."


Sounded like a fun way to practice filming, so, I gathered my camera, ran to the park next door and began taping the kids playing. Some of the footage from the videos will be used as part of a presentation during the Uke Jam '09 and some will be used during this year's graduation program.

After we finished filming the kids, I decided to stay in the park a little longer and take some pictures of the park, and just enjoy the peacefulness of it.