New Year's Eve 2009

It's New Year's Eve. Late this afternoon I stood up for another friend getting married. Kurt and Emily couldn't have asked for a more perfect setting for their wedding; Wing Beach just as the sun was setting. It was like God painted the sunset the most vibrant hues of orange, pink, and blue you can imagine just for them. Pictures barely capture how gorgeous the sunset was. And if the gorgeous sunset wasn't enough, the moon made its appearance by peeking over the cliff just as the sun was about to disappear completely. This wasn't just any moon tonight, it was a rare blue moon. It was magic.

From the beach we went to the reception at Saipan Community Church. The tables were adorned with local leaves and exotic flowers, with touches of seashells here and there and clear votive candles floating in sea-foam colored water that created a nice glow. Many complimented the decor. It was lovely. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have a very limited budget, a short time span, and friends with resources.

The final event of Kurt and Emily's wedding was a walk to the beach where small lighted votive candles were placed in holes in the sand in the form of a semi-circle. Kurt, Emily, and Pastor stood within the semi-circle, while the guests stood beyond it. Emily, Kurt, and Pastor held hands and Pastor said a prayer to dedicate their new lives together as husband and wife. Then they were off.

It was the wedding of my dreams. Simple, yet elegant, surrounded by friends, and covered in prayer. But it wasn't my wedding. I couldn't wait to get to my apartment to let the tears flow that I had been damming up inside me all week. Why must I always watch someone else have this moment in time? Once inside my door, the dam busted and a flood of tears came rolling down my face. I couldn't wait to get out of yet another bridesmaids dress. I attempted to unzip my dress, but I couldn't reach the zipper. No matter how many times I tried to get that dress unzipped, my fingers couldn't manage it. That's when Dam #2 busted and a new wave of tears came flooding down. Now my eyes were red and puffy and makeup streaks formed on my cheeks. Not only did I have to keep a smile on my face the whole afternoon and evening to "keep up appearances", now I had to endure the reality that there is no one in my life to help me unzip my dress. At that moment I have never felt more alone. Silly, I know, but it wasn't about the zipper. I had to get out of that dress. I splashed cool water over my face and tried to smile again. Went back outside hoping and praying to find someone who could help me unzip my dress. Brittany came to my rescue. I put the smile back on my face. I hoped she didn't notice the red, puffy eyes. I joked and pretended all was well. It wasn't. But at least I was free of that dress.

Now here I am sitting all alone at the computer on New Year's Eve, while Kurt and Emily are celebrating their love and others are celebrating a new year. Do I really want to write this blog? Who cares anyway? I do, I suppose. I can't keep crying, I know that. Sooner or later I have to stop. I don't want to head into the new year the way I am leaving the old one. Somehow I have to find inner strength and courage to let go and move on. But how? How does one not hurt over disappointment and unfulfilled desires?

The clock says midnight. I get up from the computer, walk out to my balcony and watch the fireworks going off all around me. Who do I say Happy New Year to? Will it be a happy 2010 for me? I have a bottle of Bartles and Jaymes. Not the most impressive drink to toast the new year to, but it was the only thing in the fridge. I open it, sit on my balcony and I don't stop the tears. Happy New Year out there!